This morning I woke up in a dark place. The Pet Scan stuff was making me feel kind of sick to my stomach and even though I can control my thoughts during the day, I can't seem to control them at night. My dreams are dark so waking up is the time of the day that I struggle the most. And I will just go ahead and admit it, I'm scared of the surgeries that I'm going to have tomorrow. :(
I looked at my "wake up wall", got a little motivation, and as I raised myself off the bed I thought to myself...well...it'll probably be a white-knuckle kind of day (clenching my fists enough to make my knuckles go white is a coping skill that I've come to use during hard days)....so just keep putting one foot in front of the other....
I got to work early and just as I turn the corner in my cube, THERE IT IS! A CARD! I ripped it open and was so surprised to see a bunch of signatures and well wishes from a bunch of my coworkers. ❤ I felt immediately better.
The next thing I know, one of my Angels brings me a Saint Michael of the Saints medallion from her Mom and Dad (there is a LOT of history to this!). I was so bumfuzzled that she had to help me put it on my necklace. My spirits lifted!
As I sat in my cube, person after person after person after person came by to check to see how I was doing. I can feel the weight on my heart getting lighter and lighter...
I left my cube for a meeting, came back and guess what?! MORE GIFTS! OMGosh!! A *GORGEOUS* cup w/ "YOU GOT THIS" on it! And a LIME GREEN book of quotes titled "Brave Enough" by Cheryl Strayed (who I LOVE!). WOW! My day suddenly did a 180. There were angels EVERYWHERE! And I was in total sponge-mode soaking up all the love!
Here's the 2 quotes that were highlighted in the book:
FEAR, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. That nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it worked. Every time I felt something horrible cohering in my imagination, I pushed it away. I simply did not let myself become afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn't long before I actually wasn't afraid.
This is not
how your story ends.
It's simply where it takes
a turn you didn't expect.
...wow. My mouth just hung open. I read the last one again. And a third time. And that's when I remembered my mantra....I've totally got this! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY do!
I got a goodie bag from a non-profit called "POPTAP" in the mail tonight (prompted by another one of my Angels!):
YUP. Could not agree more!
This day was just one super fantastic surprise after another! WOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Oh I get by with a little help from my friends! ❤
I have total confidence in Dr. Kim tomorrow. He's going to help me bring the diagnosis phase of this unexpected-turn over the finish line once and for all AAAAAAND he's going to jump start the next phase by installing my port. The port will be VERY important in my mission of saying
"BUH BYE BIG BERTHA!"
The day will go something like this:
Arrival at REX: 10A
Surgeries: 12:30P (~2hrs)
Recovery: 2:30P (2-4 hours)
Home: Pizza w/my posse + Bailey is planning to spend the night!
One day at a time....
I've totally got this...